When something “Gets Under Your Skin”

"When others judge you, they define themselves"
“When others judge you, they define themselves”

Let me tell you a little story… 

Recently I had a very awkward encounter with someone I have considered a friend for a while. I felt the cold shoulder from this person; I hadn’t done anything to piss her off (that I was aware of). So what was her deal?! 

Her deal was, that for months she accumulated little things that I did that bothered her about me, and so she kept silent. She didn’t want to make things awkward, she wanted to avoid a disagreement with me. Finally it caught up with her, and she couldn’t hide her true feeling anymore so she took distance. 

Obviously I noticed. This had happened before with her, and I had asked her to please from now on tell me when things bother her. She didn’t. She swept them under the rug.

People, please don’t do this. 

Funny thing is, one of the things that bothered her about me was that it seems that I avoid confrontation when I disagree with someone. Mmmm wait a minute here…

There is a great quote by Dr. Wayne Dyer that I discovered not too long ago. It reads: “When you judge another. you do not define them, you define yourself.”

In the past I have been called argumentative by plenty of people, and I know this about myself. If i disagree with someone, there is a high possibility I will be sending them scientific studies later that day proving why I am right and they are wrong… Sometimes I come off a little intense I have to admit. So I have learned to pick my battles. 

Ex. My acting professor eats meat, I don’t. He thinks being vegan is ridiculous. I am not vegan but I agree with the vegan lifestyle. Do I want to start an argument with a professor about why veganism is simply healthier than a meat diet? Not really, This is not worth my energy, or my time. Most the time you have to let people come to their own conclusions instead of shoving them down their throats. 

I digress. I found it so very interesting the things my friend was pointing out about me. Some of these things I recognized and understood, others were completely foreign to me.

When something bothers us about someone, and I mean REALLY bothers us. To the point that we give our own energy thinking about this thing that person does. Thinking about it, talking about it, getting upset about it. We have to look inside ourselves. There is a big chance that that THING, that annoying thing, is something that actually bothers us about ourselves, or a quality that we used to have that we are still running from. It is called mirroring. The Mirror Theory.

It’s a thing guys look it up. 

Think about it, that person that you find really hard to talk to, doesn’t bother the next guy just as much. The next guy really thinks Johnny is impossible, but you have no issue with Johnny. So what gives?

When we see faults in others, it is an opportunity for self-reflection. 


One last thing… some of these times, we will assume a quality about someone else based on something they have done or said. We don’t give the person the benefit of the doubt. We assume she is selfish because she did this or she did that. 

Why don’t we take the time to find out why they acted a certain way? because it is easier and instinctual to create a judgement. 

After the conversation I had with my friend, she ended by saying that I shouldn’t doubt any of the good qualities I have; because in that sense she thought highly of me. I replied that I don’t doubt any of them, that even though I understand where she is coming from I also understand that the way she views me reflects back to her. I am not perfect, you are not perfect either, that guy in the corner is not perfect. Many of the things she said were purely taken from circumstantial assumptions. Things that I do not believe are true.

So I guess what I am trying to say here… get to know yourself first. Love yourself, work on yourself. Eventually outside whispers about you will fade into the background and your decisions in life will never be held prisoner to whatever “they” will say. 


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